Open and exposed

It was a very dark and damp day today… thankfully the colorful leaves in the tall trees made the panorama less depressing. In life we can have days like this one, but on the inside instead.

The cold wind brought to me all my recent and past mistakes… along with shivering and rain, the perfect cocktail for my already doubtful soul. I sat on my sofa and talked to myself… unsuccessfully trying my best to cheer me on. – Come on! no one remembers how stupid that sounded! they’re your pals, you’ll be ok… it has been months!- … However I have learnt that the hardest part to let go of when doing something you were not expected to do is not other’s opinion, but our own opinion of what happened, our opinion of ourselves, and the explanation we think we owe to the ones who got to experience our flaws and … the mess you might have made trying to fix things up…

As I looked up to the one and only who could help me shake off all that yucky feelings, this came to my heart… “it is not about the mistakes… but how you’ve handled them, What you do after you messed up, it is about what you’ve learnt… in the other hand, bad memories will always visit us but it is not about how they come but how long we allow them to stay.

I think we all long to find a place, our “oasis” …a place that is safe, a place  where we can express who we are and still be loved…. That is why we freak out when we disappoint people we love and look up to, because to a point they are refreshing to us, we feel safe with them and we think they’re great. The good news is we are not fitted to carry the load of fixing things up and restoring them, but Jesus is, He alone knows the best way and how and refreshing friends, they’ll stick around because they care.

I cried a bit as the grey sky rained this afternoon, I told Jesus that I was there, open and exposed before Him, I had no words to say, yet I could feel entire sentences coming out of my inner most being going into God’s throne of Grace, I used my imagination…. which is amazing, to grab my memories and thoughts, put them in a box and I handed them over to God, the yucky feelings were still there, but I kept thinking about my box going to God’s Throne…. I took a deep breath and I told Jesus that I was leaving it all in His loving hands, my past mistakes, my recent ones and my future ones, after all THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO WITH THEM, but learning from them… then send them away.

Are you having a grey moment, a grey day, a grey life? Rest in Jesus, He is like those bright colorful leaves I see on the way home under the amazingly grey sky…  Jesus, He never fails, He is a sweet refuge in time of troubles, in confusion He is direction, in despair He is Hope, and  when broken JESUS IS THE SAFE PLACE TO CALL HOME. 

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